This is the first in a seven-part series here on Jet City Ice, providing you with a guide to the Pacific Division teams, those that our beloved Seattle franchise will see most frequently during the season.
1.) I believe the Anaheim Ducks, along with their Orange County roommates The Angels of Non-Specific Area of Southern California, suffer from an unfortunate personality disorder: “Los Angeles envy”.
Boy that really sucks. That would be like Seattle suffering from Renton Regret, or the Tacoma Titters.
Come on, trying being your own place for once, Anaheim. I mean, you’re fucking Anaheim, California. You’re 50.93 square miles of asphalt, Sephora and helmet-optional skate parks. You’re home to 340,000 genetically superior blonde and orange humans.
You’ve got the John Wayne Airport in your city, for GOD’S SAKE.
I understand that your team name is part of your “brand” and everyone wants to be “on brand” and all that stuff.
The lesson here is this. Have a team name and keep it. Jerseys are one thing (you need to freshen that up) but keep the name (unless you’re the Redskins, lose that). The Ducks started out as the Mighty Ducks but when the smell of Disney cash got rank they dropped the Mighty.
So they went from corporate movie shill to harmless water fowl.
Be a team. Come from a place. Don’t be stupid about it. I mean, the name Anaheim translates to “home by the Santa Ana river.”
2.) The production budget of The Mighty Ducks movie was $10,000,000. That was in 1992 dollars, maybe so not bad…
Or, look at it another way.
Sure, the 1993 expansion draft that brought the Mighty Ducks to life was one hell of a stinker, but the team’s payroll in 1993 was only $7.9 million. That was the lowest-ever for an expansion team.
You feeling me?
Sure, I wouldn’t want the job of asking for season ticket deposits after shelling out a ton of cash to like of Ron Tugg-Nutts and Lonnie Loach, but you just paid a cool couple-million more to Lesser Descendent Of Sheen. Hell, he’s the Sheen that didn’t keep the sleek sounding name.
Have you seen the cast of The Mighty Ducks? Talk about garbage. It’s an expansion draft of acting talent. Joshua Jackson wasn’t winning Best Supporting Actor at the MTV Movie Awards. Don’t give me the line that Elden Henson eventually starred as Foggy on Daredevil.
We’re talking about a history of bullshit resource management.
3.) The head coach of the Anaheim Ducks is not Emilio Estevez. You probably thought I thought that it was, but I don’t.
I repeat, the coach is NOT Emilio Estevez. That’s the movie, bonehead.
The head coach of the Anaheim Ducks is actually an AI bot designed to feature both a fantastic head of sweeping hockey hair and the ability to design neutral zone traps. This bot actually lacks the outward charm and human warmth of an Estevez/Sheen (surprising) but it has proven effective to mask mediocre goal tending.
4.) When the Anaheim Ducks skated the Stanley Cup around the Honda Center Ice on the evening of June 6th, 2007, as was foretold in the opening credits of the film, it was the first time a Cup winner called the Pacific coast home.
Prior to that, the furthest west that the cup came was Calgary (or Edmonton or Colorado I don’t know, I’m not a geography person, I don’t know latitudes.) The point is, even since 2007, only the LA Kings have skated the cup against that wide swath of blue (glances at the cupless cupboards a few miles north in Vancouver).
Here’s your chance, Seattle. Show Lord Stanley’s Cup the Puget Sound, the biggest, bluest, baddest body of water out this way.
5.) The Anaheim Ducks logo and jersey was designed by the Tulsa, Oklahoma marketing firm of Barneby, Lackey & Shite. They were also responsible for the cover design of the bag you just emptied your guts into on your last Frontier Airlines flight.
Seriously, can I pull back the veil for just a second?
I know Tim doesn’t care for the Golden Knights logo, but this one? Holy shit. I saw it on a bumper sticker on a car in my neighborhood recently and I wanted to throw the nearby homeless guy’s piss cup at the windshield.
And to think, this is the best logo in the franchise’s history.
6.) The Anaheim Ducks franchise has been home to three of my favorite players in the last fifteen years:
Bobby Ryan, Teemu Selanne and Rob Niedermeyer.
Say what you want about the sports spawn of Disney’s money churning loins, the Ducks have actually laced up some pretty great players…
7.) … yet, Paul Kariya is actually, really, kinda, the franchise’s all-time greatest player.
Has there ever been a more generic hockey player? Kariya was almost a lot of things in his career, great. Almost Gretzky like with the skating. Almost as good a passer as Adam Oates. Almost the fear-inducing threat of Pavel Bure.
Almost, almost, almost.